“Experience had taught me that even the most precious memories fade with the passage of time.”

~ Nicholas Sparks ~

Sad ... but pretty true.

Images @ Eminpee Fotography

“Love is hard to find, hard to keep, and hard to forget.”

~ Alysha Speer  ~

The reason this quote is pertinent is because I wanted my son to be just so badly, five years on IVF and various treatments and finally I conceived him.  He hasn't lived with me since he was 16 years old and these days I am not good enough for him.

I find it quite astounding there are those that think I could forget about him forever.  Not exactly sure how this is happens on the real.  So far, I have only found it possible to continue to love and remember daily.  This creates a strength inside me that I didn't know I had, I persevere.

Despite being in a stable relationship for approximately eight years now, I still grieve the loss of my marriage because it represented my 'family' to me,  it was my family.   Some are alright with the set being smashed, and some will never quite come to terms with the terms of the ridiculous nature of the situation as it was left when all was said and done.

Truth always floats to the top and like most things we wish it happened faster - all things are happening in perfect timing and there are no mistakes and that is how I manage to survive.

Images @ Eminpee Fotography

"Hold the memory of wonder and magic in your mind while you walk through the dark and painful valleys of life's journey. Never give in.

~ Mary-Ellen Peters ~

The Memorable Magic Mountains at Gleniffer. NSW

I lived below these mountains for many years.  My children were with me, they saw this too.  They saw what I saw. 

It was truly beautiful.  I had some painful times while I was there, and at times it was beyond difficult.  I used to gaze at the magic of the mountains.  It helped me to survive the pain.  I could stare at the trees and the valleys for ages and daydream.

Images @ Eminpee Fotography

One Day you will just be a memory for some people, do your best to be a good one.

~ Melchor Lim ~

I wonder what memories the kids have of me?  I often wonder about this fact.  I suppose they don't remember anything really good.  That would be too much to ask.  I don't understand how HE got off scot free from any examination by our children and he did all of what he did. 

This part of my life history will not cease to amaze me ever until I get an answer that is at least partly credible and true.

Images @ Eminpee Fotography

We do not remember days, we remember moments!

~ Cesare Pavese ~

Even though it was such a special day, my youngest daughter (Montana) turning 18, it is the moment that I got to place this ring on her finger.  This is what I chose to commemorate this occasion for her.  She is so much like me and she loves things that are keepsakes forever.  I loved every moment....

Images @ Eminpee Fotography

When someone you love dies you don't get over the grief by forgetting, you get over it by remembering.

Author Unknown

I won't forget this butterfly, landing next to me on
the flowers outside the hall when I felt very low at Cameby QLD.

I've lost my mother, my father and my sister.  I have said the big good bye to the people who reared me, Jack and Edith.  I have lost friends too many friends prematurely.    I lost someone so close to me only three years ago,  RIP Texsy.

I haven't lost children to death, but I have lost children.  This feels like a death would without a funeral.  It is in some ways a lot more painful and difficult because there is no ending to this type of grief which I feel inside and its there all of the time, it never ever leaves. 

Even in life there is an escape - this is death.   When will there be an end to the grief I live with daily?  When will this die?  My broken heart changes the chemistry of my body, I know this.  I feel like I am being held hostage by the stupidity of my own children. 

I am a hostage waiting for the bullet to be fired.  The one that comes from living sad for too long.

My older children have based an attack on lies and stories promulgated by Paul Rogers who was always a known trouble maker. This is a travesty that cannot be passed over lightly.  I can only magine the karma this will illicit to this creep who have actively perpetrated this from start to finish.

Images @ Eminpee Fotography

“My body is my journal, and my tattoos are my story.”

~ Johnny Depp  ~

My Friends Tattoo that means a lot to her.

I have quite a few tattoos myself and there is a story attached to each and every one of them, and each of these were selected with great thought.  The most recent being a heart on my neck.

Images @ Eminpee Fotography

I often walk down Memory Lane. I always know my children will be there waiting for me...

~ Mary-Ellen Peters   ~

On Newry Island near Urunga

This is truth, because no one can steal my memories or tamper with them and neither would I ever let them.  "

Neither would I let others hurt my children.   Others have hurt my children though.  They thought it was a fun experience to meddle and lie.   Those who participated in this charade for fun and frivolity, karma is personal and its always timely.

Just as my memories are personal so is karma!

Images @ Eminpee Fotography

What takes us back to the past are the memories. What brings us forward is our dreams.

 ~ Jeremy Irons ~

 

 I have dreams about this girl a lot.  I dream that one day I will hold her babies and I can hardly wait. I think such a  beautiful soul will birth the most beautiful children.  I look forward to this and memories of her as a tiny baby herself will never fade from my memory.  What a delightful child.  What a wonderful young woman she has become.

Images @ Melonpopzdropz Flickr

Gifts made of metal, plastic, and glass, will rust, decay, and splinter.

 But the gifts we give and get from the heart, will always shine as if brand new. So let us give the gifts that matter most: Our time, our love, our laughter. And let us re-open the gifts we were given, especially from givers who’ve passed. Not to dwell on the fact that they’re gone, but on the beautiful truth that we’ll own their gifts forever.
~ Sandra Kring ~

The legacy I leave is just my footprints and the memory of me in your heart.  I came with nothing and I will go the same way on the next part of my journeys end.  My spirit will soar no matter how others see me.   I will finally be free of the waves of  negative energy hitting my being.  I will sing again and my voice will be free and my resonance will once again join that of creation.

Images @ Melonpopzdropz Flickr

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

~ Author Unknown ~

 

There are a lot of songs to remember for me and being here in Glenugie is helping me to remember what living is about.  Being by myself and being with such nice people makes this so much more comfortable to transit through.  We are fighting for the Earth and trying to stop Metgasco from getting in.  Singing is a big part at time too.  Keeps the spirits higher.
Images @ Melopopzdropz Flickr

One day, suddenly, you will find a window opens, and a fresh breeze with new rays has filled your heart. Again, don’t commit the same mistake!

Osho

Image by Mezza -  The New Bowling Club Urunga

The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.

Leo Tolstoy

A warrior of Light

“The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what lies before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it!”
 ~ Thucydides ~

Those two warriors are friends of mine,
one of them patience
and one of them time
Time is on my side
and patience is a virtue
very true
Its what keeps me from falling through
Holds me up like a post without an office
Can I get used to this?  I feel such a novice
Patients is a good friend as I sit here and wait for this nightmare to end!
M Peters

Image by Mezza - Al at Valla

Just look at us. Everything is backwards, everything is upside down."

“Doctors destroy health, Lawyers destroy justice, Psychiatrists destroy minds, Scientists destroy truth, Major Media destroys information, Religion's destroy spirituality and Governments destroy freedom.” 

 ~ Michael Ellner ~

The Spar...isn't a Spa

I just look  around me.  This is all backwards too.  A strange kind of feeling pervading in my soul.  One of those " can't put your fingers on it feelings"   but it's there no less, and it is very real.  I know these vibrations which  I am feeling again.  

For so long this has happened and it has played havoc with my head.  It was like I was hearing a tape player inside my head of the  other persons head.  I could hear their thoughts is what it was like.

I find this very daunting at times as it can lead me to being very self righteous in my own defense.  After all, it is what you do when you defend your self against what you hear.  One thing that is forgotten by me in this equation is that others cannot hear this same stuff.  I am defending air.  I look silly.  Others love to tell me I am paranoid, trouble is they say it with a fearful look on their face like they know they are making it up saying this, the compulsion to cover this is very great in people.

I have this occurrence happen often, and this is the reason I say some of the things I do.   This can make others feel uncomfortable if I have just verbalized their intimate thoughts I suppose.

This video has been a favorite now for a couple of weeks.  Its Daily Meds. and like the video say's , "Its a time warp here waiting for stormy weather,
                    ............... so c'mon lets get our shit together."

Image by Mezza - Brick Wall at the Spar that isn't a SPA

“The trouble is if you don’t spend your life yourself, other people spend it for you.”

Peter Shaffer

SINGING

Today has been remarkable so far. I have been learning about how our DNA is activated inside of our bodies and what does this.  In studying this I have found  the evidence to how I lost my singing voice in September 2009.  We are beings of light and we are slowed down to a solid by gravity and magnetism.   Our  human pattern is formed by the vibrations all around us and by  the collective consciousness of the universe.

There are only two pattern formers, fear and love.  Both of these we know as emotions. We may think there are many more but these two are the basis of everything we experience and all others are the physical manifestations of fear and love.

Just as music from the radio is a physical manifestation of an intangible signal. Our experience of the emotion is the physical manifestation of an intangible signal as well.  It has been shown that our emotions have a vibratory frequency to them   Fear has a long and slow frequency vibration and love has a  rapid and high vibratory frequency pattern.  

Patterns of emotion are directly linked to human genetic material.   They are like light switches if you like and they shape our physical bodies. An individual living in fear will have less antennae or code sites in the their DNA because of the long slow vibration.  Where as a person living in love will vibrate higher because of the nature of the love vibration being rapid so this touches down more frequently affecting the vibration and raising it even higher.

Anger is experienced due to fear.   Anger causes disturbance in the psyche that manifests itself in the Ego and lowers the vibration in the body.    This manifestation  causes the heart rate and body temperature to rise which are common physical traits that signify anger.

This is proof to me beyond reasonable doubt that emotions directly affect our health much more than we realize.  The sadness and the extreme anger that I experienced when Paul Rogers destroyed my world with his concocted stories is what caused my body to respond in such anger and to take on this lower vibration.   Two days later my singing voice disappeared.  

I have said on a few occasions that I felt it was because I was really sad.  My intuition was telling me the truth.  My body had stopped vibrating on that higher frequency and the physical manifestation of the pain and sorrow changed my vibration and halted my singing voice being able to vibrate.  Singing is a vibration in the vocal chords and is more commonly understood than the vibration of emotion. 

That is how much emotions effect our vibration.  This is a true story and for the last thirty three months I have been looking for the answer to this perplexing situation.   I have always been able to sing!  I loved to sing and singing made me feel happy when there was too much sadness.   I had been able to sing in pefect key since I was a little girl as long as I can remember and many people over the years told me I had the voice of an angel.  I don't have that voice anymore!   It has gone and I can only desire that it will return whence my emotional life is back in order and the negative effects of the madness these two lads created has completely disappeared off the emotional Richter.

Quote supplied by -  http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/life-lessons

For more on DNA Activation - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruqz6Z0Ph28&feature=related

Image by Mezza -Gettaway Plan  Maitland 2012

The most effective way to manage change is to create it. - Peter Drucker

Yes! A spot of fishing..

Fishing is still fishing however these days there is also computer Phishing said the same as fishing.  This is fishing I suppose in all the similar senses of the word and its original meaning.

I don't go fishing any more.  I have no one to go fishing with.  I can't manage it on my own.  I would need help with the bait attachment  successfully and the taking off of the fish I caught.  If I was to catch one I would not know how to gut the fish.

I should not dwell on the past but some explanation is necessary.  When I was married and when I had children we went fishing sometimes.  Not near enough though and when we did I was never allowed to touch the damn things.  Besides that I was probably making sure that three children were not drowning or killing each other or hooking each other up with their sheer casting skills.

I remember fishing at Gleniffer with the three children and Montana was a baby and was in a back pack carrier on her father's back.  He had strategically placed the fish we had caught on a strong skinny tree branch  behind him on the bank.  Perch are really slimy as well.  He was fishing away very happily as Montana wasn't fussing around and was quite quiet on his back.  I came around the corner back from where I had been fishing to see a slime covered Montana.  She was in reach of these fish he had hung up and she had been having a very good time covering herself in slime.  It was pretty yuck and it was very funny.

So, with all that going on  I never really progressed any further than childhood with that skill of tackling up.  All of this doesn't mean I don't like fishing though.  I love fishing.  I am quite good at catching them.  I will sit there with the best of them waiting for that illusive bite and to possibly catch that illusive fish that may just be lurking unaware near my hook.

Sometimes I think I will never ever go fishing again because there is no one to go with.  This makes me feel really sad as I do feel like I missed out somewhere along the line.  Wish I was able to do all this myself.  Even if I could do all of this myself I still would not go fishing alone.  I have a fear of being alone in wide open spaces and so it goes I would need company.  There is no one.

Image by Mezza - Dawn fishing in Urunga April 2012

No one can make you feel anything you don't want to. (Jennifer K., 28)

This is a tough one.

.

I am guilty of saying on numerous occasions the exact words "you make me feel ... whatever".  

However it is a well known fact that feeling is a choice and we really have to get a handle on our feelings and we are the only ones who can do that.  Circumstances set the stage and we are the players, and its all about our attitude to something that will change the way we feel about it.

What someone does doesn't make us feel, it makes us choose to feel apparently.  

 I said it was a tough one and one that I personally struggle with and have struggled with for a really long time.

Image by Mezza - Dean holding a large frog with Jory and Jesse wondering whether they want to touch it.

I love Butterflies but I hate the effects . . .

It is the 18th of January 2012 and I have not see Montana this year yet.  It was very brief at Christmas time and of course she professes her undying love for me.  Then I do not see her at all and she doesn't contact me at all. 

She stays at Tahlie's house every weekend and as much as she can / Jay and Cindy would see her much much more than I have this  year!  I miss her so much and I cannot fight them anymore over this!  She will just have to live her own life and do it with out my help.  My help is useless and out dated and out moded and I worry about all the wrong things. 

I am not the best mother and I am sorry I didn't come up to scratch.   I modeled myself  on what others did because I had no role models.  Funny how they can do what they do and I can't.  I hate the town of Bellingen for helping keep my children away from me and not speaking out for the good things I have done and are still doing or did. 

Because my ex husband had various affairs with the IGA girls and then ended up moving in on top of Robyn is not a good enough reason to ditch me as a person, and I will not ever understand this! 

I do not know why I bother to even go to radio any more!  I don't feel comfortable there either.  I love doing radio and doing my show which used to be OUR show.  But, everyone I run into wants to talk about Montana.  I don't know anything about Montana and they know more than me and I cannot take this embarrassment anymore!

Gail is pregnant ( Matilda's boyfriends mother)  and we are great friends, but now I got this feeling like I will not really be on any agenda there as well.  I am just sad and I guess the rain made me sad.  I am not sure of what to do now in the future as its is looking very very dim and I find that looking to a future without my kids in it too much to emotionally bear!  If any thing happens to me then you will all understand why I guess.

A daughter may out grow your lap but she will never out grow your heart.

Montana and Mary-Ellen ( Mother and Daughter)

Daughters are angels sent from above to fill our heart with never ending love. I love you Montana even if I can't hug you.  I love you and I am missing you and that is why I am always awake.  Believe me its true. My heart misses beating next to you.  I love you.

Image - by Montana in our bathroom Christmas 2011

Nothing New Under our Sun.

In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida is the second studio album by the American rock band Iron Butterfly, released in 1968. It is most known for the title track, a simple composition which, due to an extended jam, occupies the whole of Side B.
On January 2nd 2012 Larry Reinhardt from the original Iron Butterfly lineup passed away.  He was the talented guitarist of the band.
I remember fondly the track being used in the episode of  "The Simpsons".  I think I fell off the chair in hysterics.  The children wondered at the time how I knew the tune.  It is funny isn't it when you see things get used again and again and the  youth think that it is brand new.

Brings me to my thought of today.  "There is nothing new under the Sun"
 ‎"The Young" are a breed of human existence managed to be scraped these days into a test tube to breed lol / they feed mainly on violence and war and will walk over your body if your dead on da floor there! hey don't stare .. you think I really care .. you call me unfair.. You guys are boring mw and actin so damn impaired and so you got no real original big arsed flare to tare!
written in response to Larry's Death.  and of course I. Ron Buterfly.