" The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.”
Montana and myself on her 16th birthday.
What a joy to spend the day with Montana today and to celebrate her being 16years old. I remember when Matilda turned 16 and I didn't see her. It is all still so painful in my heart. It makes for enjoying the good things in the present difficult. My heart constantly tries to regain the missing pieces that others have ripped from it and left bleeding on the ground like I was a worthless soul who deserved no love. After all where is your love stored? In your heart... and my heart is very broken and the love all fell out on the ground and got all messed up and while it was messed up someone else decided to jump on it and totally kill it. I am still alive and fighting for my very life. I know that I have come close to death because of the fractured emotional link here.
Matilda ran away from home when she was fourteen years old because I would not stop having relations with my ex. My ex who was her father whom I was no longer living with. He was very violent and abusive in the home and life had become very complex indeed. She kept telling me he was a loser and that when she grew up she was not going to marry a loser like he was. She used to make me laugh because she would also tell me she was going to marry someone who would buy her a dishwasher.
This all occurred seven years ago this year. I have been kept out of Matilda's life for all of these years and this hurts me so much. I pined for her when she was gone and I begged her father and Jesse to help me to go to see her as I felt that I could not do this alone as Michael her boyfriend had threatened me and so had his mother. I was up against it for the first time with my children in this way with reference to others and their opinions. I did not come out of it well. Is there any wonder to this? No there isn't as it is well known that children who were brought up in the government care institutions are emotional cripples.
I hate being an emotional cripple. I hate that I have had to cry so much in my life to relieve the sort of pain that is like a rope around your neck and at times it feels like you cannot breathe. When is someone going to recognize and stop treating this like its all going to be alright. It is most certainly not alright a that this happens and no one will help me! Why?