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Apparently I just refused to take any nourishment at all and was on the point of starvation and hospitalised due to malnutrition due this blatant emotional standoff. I wasn't even 12 months old and I was trying to fight for my life in the only ways I had at my disposal. I fought on my instinctual level because I was a baby. I was subconsciously waiting for my mother. I guess the doctors and Edith didn't have any understanding that a baby has feelings. My feelings were strong indeed.
I have vivid memories that go back to when I was approximately 9 months of age. This has been fully confirmed. It was a shock for others to discover that my memories of this time in my life were so vivid. I could remember clothing and colours of clothing and where furniture was placed at the time. I suppose not many people do remember very much before their first birthday. Trust me to have to be saddled with this as well!
I hated the blue restraint they tied me up in and walked me like a dog. It was blue plastic vinyl patent horrid thing . I hated it! It was said of me though ; if I didn't have this attached to me they feared greatly for my life. I would surely be dead they told me. I used to just run. As a two year old I would take off and run as far as I could run. I wonder where I was running to? My mother perhaps?
Funny thing is when life gets too much for me emotionally now, and even in the middle of the night I run. I have to run and if I don't run I feel I cannot breath and I am being held under. I run for my life but I don't know why. Is it something inside of me left over from the trauma of missing my mother? I am almost sure it is.
The Groovin Banner above serves to remind me that while ever there is breath I will probably love the things that young people do. Why? Because I will always be young in my head and I need to be part of something this age group is part of. For me to live I need to fit where I fit comfortably for the myriad of reasons I have said. This age group may not want me to fit in either, this could be a problem. So that would render me with no place and what is new? I had a huge time at Groovin'. I wish I could do it all over again. Festivals are expensive though , petrol and food costs soar these days.
When I look back over my life I sometimes wish things had turned out different. But I really never thought any of these sort of thoughts until I lost my children. Before then I took it all as a learning curve. Its very different now. I feel I have lost them due to an inability in them to understand me. My son for instance calls all of what happened to me in care and later a "FANCIFUL STORY". This is an unforgivable situation given the circumstances I have been put under and the abuse I suffered just at the hands of the department alone and the sicko's they employed.
I need my son's love so much. When I needed him the most he abandoned me also. I re-lived all of the pain and fear feelings the original abandonment situation did when I was four months old.
I have had many times during my life where this situation has replayed. It is like someone hit the repeat button. --- "Here is another abandonment for you Mary, you are obviously well qualified to experience this now". Shivers! I think others would surely die if they had to belly up to what I have to each day on an emotional level when my eyes open and I feel the despair so deep as I do each day when I awake from sleep.
I love my children and I miss them so terribly but I do not own them. They have their own lives and I hope they are all happy. That is all a mother can ask for her children. Sometimes the situation is so surreal it is as if I never gave birth to them. I don't know them anymore. My body looks like I never gave birth at all. Is this a dream I can wake up from? Oh Lord I wish it were. If I could I would never sleep again..... if I could keep them here in this reality.
Image by Mezza - Groovin the Moo Banners at the Maitland Show in May 2012