|The Pilot house side gate.|
Running is something I am compelled to do when the feeling inside becomes too uncomfortable. I actually try to run away from it. I usually do not prepare myself for these so called midnight marathon events and end up a long way from the house with no footwear or dressed inadequately. I am usually found in a state of absolute confusion and with my face swollen from tears and excess emotion. The emotion is always fueled by the loss of my children. The situation has not changed and now it is seriously affecting my emotional health.
I am in danger seriously when this happens, I could be assaulted or worse. I am defenseless against the elements or the people. I am however strangely super strong in these events. It must be because when I get back my feet are sometimes bleeding. I never felt a thing while it was happening. I do not know what will become of me because of this. I am not sure I am safe to tell any medical people this happens in the middle of the nights this way. I am afraid they will make me take medicine that I do not want to take.
Medicine can not replace the feelings I am supposed to have inside. I have the feelings that I do because of these serious abandonment issues from my early life and the trauma of the abandonment of my children is making me re-live this same abandonment trauma over and over and over. I am in a state of absolute confusion and I am dying because of this unending frustration and the stark sadness of my broken heart.
I really do not know what to do. Will this will not go away? The children refuse to see sense with that or even re visit this as an issue so that it can be cleared up. This is seriously affecting my relationships now with all people and I will have a difficult time the future if I am thwarted from being able to tell get the real truth out there to balance the lies that has been told by the people who have an interest in purporting such a thing. They are not truths but useless exaggerations. They are fanciful stories that are not true so much of what they have been told is lies! I understand this as this is exactly what I went through with my own mother and my abandonment from her when I was four months old.
Image by Mezza- The Dawn Silhouette side gate at the Heritage listed Pilot House Urunga NSW