~ John Lennon ~
The dreams are what they are... dreams. We have an opportunity to make those dreams come true if we put our minds to this. I am not a pushy person, I will never crash my kids lives to simply say hello. My desires are not that important, and especially if my sheer presence in their lives hurts them this much. I will sit with what happiness I have managed to salvage from my life as their mother and know that this is what I asked for such a long time ago.
I said I don't care if they hate me, I said a whole bunch of things as I just want to experience motherhood. I would have made a deal with the devil himself if it meant there was a child or children at the other end of it..... and I said this after five years of traversing the IVF Program. I did IVF to have children because it was apparent this was not going to be easy to conceive.
I don't know why I said this out to the universe other than perhaps if they were IVF Babies they may have thought they were strange down the track later in life. Little did I ever contemplate they would think I was the one who was just strange and they thought of me as horrid full stop and not worth being rated as a human. There father used to say in front of them every day I was not worth it and I guess somehow they took this on inside of their souls and its there for life now and he is worthy and I am not.
My heart breaks daily and daily I pick up the pieces and I duly force them back together so the world can deal with my heartbreaks. It looks alright. It may not actually be alright but hey, as longs as the world thinks its alright then my kids are going to be alright. They worry what people think of them even knowing me. How do they think they got into this world... I loved them and wanted them more than air.
I just fucking miss them like that air we breath now and I am sorry for swearing but my heart is hurting and my soul is crying. I am just so sorry .... Ho Oponopono. I try to find that big reason each day that all of this is happening.
Yesterday after much thought and meditation I saw a bright light over the situation .....I think the lesson is for them and not for me. That would be a very different perspective in fact for all to contemplate that are tied up with all of the knots of contention!
Images @ Eminpee Fotography